Stupid God screws up again

Gleanings for Oolon Colluphid

They say that God moves in mysterious ways. Despite this oft-repeated adage, some folks think that they know exactly what God is up to. For one thing, he likes to smite evil-doers. Unfortunately, he often misses and inflicts collateral damage on innocent bystanders.

In a recent development, our grotesquely incompetent God apparently decided it was time to punish San Francisco for its opposition to Proposition 8. It all went horribly wrong, however, when his smiting when awry and he smote San Bruno instead. God's not really very good at discerning where his supposed enemies reside.

One of God's biggest fans waxed eloquent in the September 13, 2010, edition of the San Francisco Chronicle. In his letter, a blithering idiot from Lockport, New York, deigned to explain God's subtle message in immolating a middle-class residential area in San Bruno:

Divine judgment

First, I pray for those families who suffered in the San Bruno pipeline blast; this is a tragedy that could've been corrected with the right care being applied beforehand.

However, on a more divine level: This blast can be viewed as God's divine judgment upon San Fransicko (sic) for its ultra-leftist and anti-normal way of doing things, and for that sad excuse of a judge who overturned the will of the people in his anti-Proposition 8 ruling.

God is speaking, folks. Are you listening?

Blithering Idiot, Lockport, N.Y.

No, the writer from Lockport didn't sign his name with an alias. I charitably picked an accurate pseudonym for him. I choose not to contribute to his fifteen seconds of fame.

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Another Obama outrage

One of these things is not like the other

The wacky right was never at a loss for words when George W. Bush was criticized for being a lousy president—perhaps the worst in American history. (Look to your laurels, James Buchanan!) Those who pointed to Bush's many failures were accused of suffering from “Bush derangement syndrome.” It was, you see, irrational to denigrate poor old George for traipsing into Iraq with no valid reason in hand and no exit plan in mind, allowing financial institutions to cheat their clients and each other to the point of meltdown, and slashing taxes for his “base” in an orgy of deficit-building.

I mean, what's to criticize in those minor missteps?

Now that Barack Obama is president, there are real outrages that must be denounced in the strongest terms possible. After all, when the occupant of the White House is an enemy of America (and maybe even a communist!), eternal vigilance is called for. A recent letter writer to the Sacramento Bee identified the president's latest example of hatred for his fellow citizens.

No aid for U.S. quake victims

Imperial Valley and Northern Baja had 7.2 earthquake on Easter Sunday. President Barack Obama has done nothing. This is in his own country. He has done nothing for us, no word about it. Haiti had a 7.1 earthquake; 18 minutes later he is giving all kinds of aid to a foreign country.

—Mike Van Zandt, Brawley

Mr. Van Zandt is right! (Probably extreme right.) The earthquake in southern California was a tenth of a point worse than the Haitian temblor, yet the emergency services response to the two incidents could scarcely have been more different.

It may—just possibly—have something to do with the results: Two people were reported killed in the Mexicali/Calexico quake. Two hundred thousand were reported dead in Haiti, with the counting still continuing. (We can blame government interference with acts of God: building codes are much stronger in the U.S. and Mexico than in Haiti.)

As head of state, it naturally fell to President Obama to extend the nation's sympathy to the people of Haiti and to initiate our relief efforts. In the case of the quake on the border between California and Mexico, Governor Schwarzenegger is the chief executive who issues (and did issue) a declaration of emergency. The day after the quake, the Federal Emergency Management Agency reported that “No request for Federal assistance has been received.”

FEMA was on hand, however, when the California Emergency Management Agency asked for its participation in surveying and assessing the earthquake damage.

Of course, that was ten days after the quake occurred. If Obama really loved America, he would not have waited. He would have flooded Imperial Valley and the border region with federal troops and agents.

I'm sure Mr. Van Zandt and others of his ilk would have greeted them as liberators.

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