Conversations during an office hour
Students sometimes visit our offices to get help with their homework or to seek advice about classes they should take. That's what we expect them to do. All too often, however, office conversations with students are exercises in surrealism. My colleagues and I swap the most amusing stories among ourselves and marvel over them.
Time is out of joint
An algebra student accosts his instructor in his office.
“I'm sorry I missed class this morning, Professor.”
“Yes, I noticed. Usually you're just late. Today you missed the whole thing.”
“Yeah, sorry, but you had already started when I got to the classroom and I didn't want to interrupt.”
“That's never stopped you before.”
“Yeah, but you always notice when I arrive late and I didn't think you like that.”
“Well, yes. I don't. But it's better for you to be late than miss the entire class. Of course, best of all would be if you would show up on time.”
“Yeah, but I live out of town, you know. I leave in plenty of time, but I always have a problem finding a parking space.”
“Then you aren't leaving in plenty of time. You need to leave earlier.”
“I do! I leave in plenty of time.”
“Sorry to contradict you, but you obviously don't. By definition. You don't leave in time to be there when class starts.”
“I don't follow you, Professor.”
“Yes, that may be part of the problem.”
Rules are for other people
A calculus student sits down next to his teacher's desk.
“I have to get an A in the class. I have to. Will there be any problem with that?”
“It's still possible, but you'll need a really high score on the final exam. Do you think you can squeeze out a score of 97%?”
“Will there be extra credit?”
“I wouldn't count on it. It's too bad you didn't turn in your homework. That was worth a few points you'd find helpful about now.”
“Homework shouldn't count against you if you do well on the exams.”
“But it does. I told the class on Day One that homework is worth 5% of your grade.”
“Can you waive that for me?”
“Excuse me? Not in a million years. If I give you that break I'd have to do it for everyone. I'm not about to change the grading policy at the last minute for the convenience of one student.”
“I'm going to have to drop the class then.”
“That's your decision, of course, but I hope you realize that you are certain to pass the class with a good grade. The only question is whether it's an A or a B, and that depends on your performance on the final exam.”
“I can't have a B. I have to drop if I'm not certain of an A. Will the class show up on my transcript if I drop it?”
“It will. There'll be a notation that you enrolled in the class but withdrew. It won't affect your grade-point average, though.”
“That's not acceptable. I don't want any notation at all on my transcript.”
“Once again, what you want is at variance with what is. You really ought to pay attention to the rules before they inconvenience you.”
“If I get a B it will ruin my education plans. I'll have to see if I can petition for a late drop without a notation on my transcript.”
“You can see your counselor about trying to petition for whatever you like, but did you ever consider just studying hard for the final exam?”
Three is the lowest odd prime
A young woman slips into her statistics professor's office.
“Excuse me?”
“Oh, hi! How can I help you?”
“I have a question for you, if you don't mind.”
“No, I don't mind. But you really should leave the door open. It's my office hour and the door is supposed to remain open.”
“Yes, I know, but it's a personal kind of question. You see, my boyfriend and I are wondering ... if you're totally straight or not.”
“Excuse me?”
“I said, we were wondering if you're actually straight.”
“Oh. Well. I guess so. But that's not a question you have any business asking.”
“But, you see, my boyfriend and I are kind of bi and we both think that you're kind of cool.”
“Uh.”
“So we were wanting to invite you over for dinner and whatever.”
“Uh.... ‘Whatever’?”
“Yeah. You know, like whatever.”
“Oh. I see. Well. Um. Sorry, I don't think we can continue this conversation.”
“You sure?”
“Uh, yes. Sure enough. You know, I forgot: I have an appointment right now with the dean. Please excuse me! I've got to go!”
